We had a family get together to go to that night, an engagement party.  Things had been getting more and more tense around the house....with school, and trying to deal with these new behaviors of his.  His room was a wreck as always and I spent the entire day trying to get him to clean it, even just a little.  At one point I was standing silently just outside of his room to watch any progress being made.  I watched him as he stood facing his window, quietly counting the slats of the blind.  He never made any attempt to clean.  My husband and I both had to work the next day, our bedroom is upstairs and his sits directly beneath ours.  All that night I could hear the banging, "play fighting", thrashing about that was par for the course with Joshua.  It was almost 1 am when I made the decision to go try and talk to him and tell him to go to bed.  We talked for more than an hour.  I asked him what he thought the problem was, why did he make no attempt in school, at home.  Was he being bullied at school, did he need to talk about something he felt he couldn't with me.  I even asked him that night if he ever felt like hurting any animals which he sternly denied.....I would soon learn that was another lie.

I thought, or at least hoped that our talk had made some difference and went to leave the room.  Something or someone whispered in my ear to go and look at his ds.  I felt a dread come over me before I even made it back to his bed.  It didn't take long, he made no real attempt to hide anything.  I opened a file a short videos and there it was.  At first a still photo of a little girl from shoulder to thigh in her underwear.  I knew immediately who it was and what it was.  Joshua's younger half sister, 5 years old who lived at his father's...we'll call her Cindy.  And as much as I didn't want to, I had to hit play.  There were 4 videos in all, all taken at the same time.  Some with her underwear on, and by the end without.  He was not touching her in any of the videos, but he was giving her explicit instructions on how to take her clothes off and lay in different positions on the bed.  The deepness of his voice made it sound even more depraved than it looked.

My blood ran cold like NEVER before, to the point where I though I might lose consciousness.  What made this gruesome discovery worse was his reaction to me finding it.  His head snapped at me and there were those glassy black eyes, no expression on his face.  He got up and walked across the room, stood facing the corner in silence.  No breakdown, no tears, no screaming for forgiveness or pleas for help....nothing.  All I could think was it was as if he was possessed.  It of course crossed my mind for a split second that I must be the only one to know about these and a deep maternal instinct try to rise for me to protect him from the fallout.  But as quickly as that thought came, my common sense smashed it away.  What I was holding in my hand was sick, deplorable, miserable, and a crime.  And if it had been my daughter on those videos, I don't even know.

One year ago today.