So there I am standing in his room, filled with a disgust and rage I had never felt.  There he was standing with his back towards me having just seen a demon pop out of his eyes.  What was a person to do in this situation?  I am a registered nurse, a mandated reporter of any kind of abuse.  And I am holding in my hand child pornography directed and produced by my 11 year old son.  So as my mind begins to grasp and accept what I had discovered I am bombarded by all the history with Joshua that I should of recognized as blazing red flags.  Not only the animals killing and recent photos of the women, but every look, whisper, glare, the compulsive needless lies.  Every odd and disturbing occurrence that we all glossed over for years was coming into fiercely clear focus....and I was terrified.  That is when I started shaking so hard and would continue to do so for a couple of weeks.

I told him I was first going to call his father, tell him what I found...and then I would be calling the police.  I HAD to.  Not a word came from him, not a look, not an emotion.  Just blinding indifference.  It was 2 am by the time I called his father and step mother.  I simply told them what I had found and what my next move was going to be.  Their reaction to the news seems strange in hindsight, but how would you expect someone to respond to this news in the middle of the night.  After that call I told him to get in bed and I left closing the door behind me.

I sat on our staircase with the phone.  I didn't want to wake my husband up with this, he had to work in the morning and I was handling it the best way I knew how.  Calling the police seemed extreme, but this is a crime, I had to follow through.  Then I had the thought to call child protective services instead.  I had believed that they would obviously have a zero tolerance on such a thing and would get the authorities involved as needed.  So I looked in the phone book for the 24 hour hot line for our area.....number has been changed or disconnected.  Looked it up online.....number has been changed or disconnected.  Call information and had them directly connected.....number has been changed or disconnected.  I thought you've got to be f@#$ing kidding me.  What if a poor child was trying to call someone to report their own abuse, guess they would be out of luck.  So I called the police.  Not 911, just the local sheriff's department.  As best as I could through burning hot tears of rage and my voice shaking with the rest of my body.  The officer took the information down and said they would send a detective to our home in the morning.  Never in my life did I think I would be inviting a detective into my home.  I took some naive comfort that the police were coming and they would know what to do.

I tried to sneak back into bed without waking my husband, unsuccessfully.  He could tell by my demeanor that something was wrong very wrong.  I told him about the videos and that I had called the police who would be here in the morning.  I could tell immediately that he thought I must be overreacting, but then he asked to see the videos and I sat with him to watched them again for the second and final time.  Then he knew.....I had pulled him into this fresh hell with me and nothing would ever be the same. We both just sat there and shook until the sun came up.