It will be one year, on April 29th.  Since the bottom dropped out and I was thrown into this repulsive vortex I could of never concocted in my worst nightmares.  Things have never gotten any better, just worse in different ways.  The pure panic I feel about the upcoming court date in May has kicked my insomnia into high gear.  The anxiety has become so heavy again that I feel paralyzed most of the time, like I did at the beginning.  Those closest to me I feel must be getting tired of listening to all this, never knowing what to say.  So I can listen to my husbands sweet snores for hours while trying to numb my mind with silly apps (angry birds, and my new favorite candy crush), but I feel so strongly that I just need to get some of this out. Even if no one is reading this or if everyone is. Where to start?

I was married at 21, way to young and stupid and for all the wrong reasons.  At 22 I had a son, I'll call him Joshua....that's what I wanted to name him.  The pregnancy was fairly uncomplicated.  He was my first full term after having 2 miscarriages.  He was breech and they turned him over but still arrived 11 days late with the help of pitocin. Labor for 20 hours, once born the nurses had to stimulate him for a little while to get him breathing well, meconium in the fluid.I tried my best to nurse him, but he had a lot of difficulty latching on due to a high palate.  They had to feed him through a nasogastric tube for a day and he was a little jaundice.  We were sent home 4 days after he was born.

Our divorce was finalized on his 2nd birthday and life became full of two jobs and school.  I was always concerned about Joshua. He didn't walk till almost 14 months, never did crawl.  He was always so stiff, didn't like to bend at the waist.  He didn't speak well until he was 3.  Back then everyone was scared that vaccines were causing autism and I used to wonder.  There were many times he would show some typical behaviors, starring off, mild hand flipping, pointing and grunting instead of speaking.  I was young and overwhelmed not sure of what to do.  Eventually he seemed to catch up with his milestones...all kids are different.

Flash forward......
Pre-school went well enough, no huge red flags.  Right before Kindergarten he began having seizures-bad ones.  Joshua was always a little slow, awkward, different.  We blamed it on the seizures and the medications he had to be on to control them.  His first grade teacher was the first one to raise concern about his school performance.  I remember her saying if he didn't learn to keep up he was going to get eaten alive in school, and I thought she was a bitch.  We moved before 2nd grade, new school.  School became a big problem immediately and just got progressively worse over the years.

So why I am writing this, my kid has troubles in school?  Well here we go....

Joshua killed his first animal when he was 5.  It happened at his fathers house, they said they were all playing with some small toads and he squeezed one to death.  He said it was trying to get away and he was just trying to hold on to it. His father made it seem like a horrible accident.  Six months later he stomped on a toad killing it, again he claimed he was trying to stop it from running away.  We addressed this much more seriously, making sure he did know it was wrong to kill animals and he was punished for the first time in his life.  Two animals so close together, what a horrible coincidence, right?  Then when he was 9 his father brought him home (on mother's day no less) with the news that he had strangled a baby rabbit.

Well that's about all I can do for tonight. It all gets so much worse.