We had a family get together to go to that night, an engagement party. Things had been getting more and more tense around the house....with school, and trying to deal with these new behaviors of his. His room was a wreck as always and I spent the entire day trying to get him to clean it, even just a little. At one point I was standing silently just outside of his room to watch any progress being made. I watched him as he stood facing his window, quietly counting the slats of the blind. He never made any attempt to clean. My husband and I both had to work the next day, our bedroom is upstairs and his sits directly beneath ours. All that night I could hear the banging, "play fighting", thrashing about that was par for the course with Joshua. It was almost 1 am when I made the decision to go try and talk to him and tell him to go to bed. We talked for more than an hour. I asked him what he thought the problem was, why did he make no attempt in school, at home. Was he being bullied at school, did he need to talk about something he felt he couldn't with me. I even asked him that night if he ever felt like hurting any animals which he sternly denied.....I would soon learn that was another lie.
I thought, or at least hoped that our talk had made some difference and went to leave the room. Something or someone whispered in my ear to go and look at his ds. I felt a dread come over me before I even made it back to his bed. It didn't take long, he made no real attempt to hide anything. I opened a file a short videos and there it was. At first a still photo of a little girl from shoulder to thigh in her underwear. I knew immediately who it was and what it was. Joshua's younger half sister, 5 years old who lived at his father's...we'll call her Cindy. And as much as I didn't want to, I had to hit play. There were 4 videos in all, all taken at the same time. Some with her underwear on, and by the end without. He was not touching her in any of the videos, but he was giving her explicit instructions on how to take her clothes off and lay in different positions on the bed. The deepness of his voice made it sound even more depraved than it looked.
My blood ran cold like NEVER before, to the point where I though I might lose consciousness. What made this gruesome discovery worse was his reaction to me finding it. His head snapped at me and there were those glassy black eyes, no expression on his face. He got up and walked across the room, stood facing the corner in silence. No breakdown, no tears, no screaming for forgiveness or pleas for help....nothing. All I could think was it was as if he was possessed. It of course crossed my mind for a split second that I must be the only one to know about these and a deep maternal instinct try to rise for me to protect him from the fallout. But as quickly as that thought came, my common sense smashed it away. What I was holding in my hand was sick, deplorable, miserable, and a crime. And if it had been my daughter on those videos, I don't even know.
One year ago today.
Monday, April 29, 2013
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
The Nintendo ds. My husband and I have been married for 5 years, together for 10. He has been a parent to Joshua since he was 2. My husband is a cancer survivor and was given limited odds for fathering a child. We tried for months at a time a few times, but nothing ever came of it, so we decided to give up. We all know how this story goes.... in Feb of 2010 we got pregnant. I did not know how Joshua would take the news being my one and only for so long. We did our best to include him in the excitement of the pregnancy, trying to create a strong base of him wanting to be a great big brother. He already had a half sister from his father and new wife. The night I went to the hospital to be induced I have give a card and a gift of a new Nintendo ds that he'd been wanting for a long time. (That particular ds was only around for 2 weeks when he took it to his father's house, left it in the pocket of his jeans, and took a ride through the washing machine. His father did replace it on his 11th birthday). We had beautiful healthy baby girl in September.
Joshua continued to struggle in school. We literally had to sit with him every night 4-5 hours to get homework done. I got frequent calls from his teacher, nothing we tried every made a bit of difference. His 5th grade teacher strongly questioned why I took him off the Concerta, but I could never tell her that I walked in on him choking the dog and believed the medicine was the cause. So the school situation totally sucked to keep it short.
His behavior at home was also getting increasingly bazaar. The constant talking to himself, play fighting with himself-physically throwing him self against walls. Breaking things all the time, not in anger, but so many things to blame on plain clumsiness. His interaction with my daughter was off putting. I recall the day we came home from the hospital I was sitting on the couch holding the baby, and Joshua had the coldest look on his face staring at her. I actually said to him, "don't look at her like that!" Instinctively I would never leave them alone together, This instinct was reinforced when she was a little over a year old. I was changing her diaper in the living room and he was fixated on whatever was TV at the time, But when I look up I saw him staring at her in a way that sent chills all through me. I decided to never change her diaper in front of him again.
Joshua is a big child, not just overweight but well over 5 foot by 10 years old and he started the signs of puberty around 8-9. I caught him fondling himself more than once while sitting on the couch watching TV. Not sure if that is what he was doing at age 11, I would say to him "you got an itch" and he would go to his room and shut the door. There was an old winter coat stored in the back of his closet, didn't fit him anymore. I kept finding the coat out in odd areas. Once in his floor and it had been urinated on. Of course I blamed the dog for the pee and questioned him why he ever had it out in the first place....he said he was cold. I washed the coat and hung it back up and a few days later found it in his bathtub soaking wet. His sleeping bags were also being urinated on and again the dog felt my wrath. Joshua's shorts would be on the bathroom floor wet....could it be poor aim on his part, or over splash from the shower, something else? He would change shorts 2-3 times between after school and bedtime. I'll be the first to admit I had no clue how to handle a conversation if he was indeed masturbating at 11. My husband and I were very taken aback and of course googled it and read stories of kids starting at his age. So we knew we were going to have to have a talk with him soon.
One day he and I had been arguing about school work and the usual stuff. I told him to get in the shower and I was going to bring him in a towel. I returned to his bathroom a few minutes later to find the shorts he'd been wearing soaked with urine. Light bulb moment, it was never the dog. I was so furious with him, confronted him and he told me he was just too tired to use the toilet. I never told anyone about these findings at the time.
So the ds, lots of history with this but we'll cut to the chase. Right before Easter of last year I found pictures that Joshua had downloaded from the Internet. They were all of women partially clothed, but here's the kicker...all the girls had urinated or defecated in their panties. So we had to have a talk quick, I was not prepared , no clue what to say. We talked about masturbation being a natural process and a part of growing up, but that it needed to be done in privacy and kept to himself. I questioned him as to why he wanted to look at these particular types of picture, never got a true answer. I made it clear that those images were completely inappropriate and he was going to be grounded from the Internet until further notice. He even thanked me for talking to him and I felt good about the talk, as good as I could. But he continued to fondle himself at inappropriate times. His bedroom is right off the kitchen and I would go down at night to get a drink and he would be in full view with the door open going to town. The first couple of times I would sternly tell him to close his door. You think having your mom catch you would be so embarrassing that you would be extra careful to not let it happen again, but it didn't seem to bother him. One night during those couple of weeks he came to our bedroom and knocked on the door. I answered it to find him standing there with...and I'll just say it....a huge ejaculation stain on the front of his pants. It was fresh. This creepy, almost distorted look on his face asking me if he could have a snack.
It's safe to say I knew we had some sort of problem when he turned 11 in November of 2011. At night once he was in bed I'd feel a since of relief and I would start going through a check list in my head. Did I catch him doing you know what today, did he say anything disturbing, how awful had school been that day, did he look at or say anything to my daughter in his intimidating way. Feeling like a horrible mother I'd ask myself "did he give me the creeps today?" But I had no idea how close were we to the boiling point.
Joshua continued to struggle in school. We literally had to sit with him every night 4-5 hours to get homework done. I got frequent calls from his teacher, nothing we tried every made a bit of difference. His 5th grade teacher strongly questioned why I took him off the Concerta, but I could never tell her that I walked in on him choking the dog and believed the medicine was the cause. So the school situation totally sucked to keep it short.
His behavior at home was also getting increasingly bazaar. The constant talking to himself, play fighting with himself-physically throwing him self against walls. Breaking things all the time, not in anger, but so many things to blame on plain clumsiness. His interaction with my daughter was off putting. I recall the day we came home from the hospital I was sitting on the couch holding the baby, and Joshua had the coldest look on his face staring at her. I actually said to him, "don't look at her like that!" Instinctively I would never leave them alone together, This instinct was reinforced when she was a little over a year old. I was changing her diaper in the living room and he was fixated on whatever was TV at the time, But when I look up I saw him staring at her in a way that sent chills all through me. I decided to never change her diaper in front of him again.
Joshua is a big child, not just overweight but well over 5 foot by 10 years old and he started the signs of puberty around 8-9. I caught him fondling himself more than once while sitting on the couch watching TV. Not sure if that is what he was doing at age 11, I would say to him "you got an itch" and he would go to his room and shut the door. There was an old winter coat stored in the back of his closet, didn't fit him anymore. I kept finding the coat out in odd areas. Once in his floor and it had been urinated on. Of course I blamed the dog for the pee and questioned him why he ever had it out in the first place....he said he was cold. I washed the coat and hung it back up and a few days later found it in his bathtub soaking wet. His sleeping bags were also being urinated on and again the dog felt my wrath. Joshua's shorts would be on the bathroom floor wet....could it be poor aim on his part, or over splash from the shower, something else? He would change shorts 2-3 times between after school and bedtime. I'll be the first to admit I had no clue how to handle a conversation if he was indeed masturbating at 11. My husband and I were very taken aback and of course googled it and read stories of kids starting at his age. So we knew we were going to have to have a talk with him soon.
One day he and I had been arguing about school work and the usual stuff. I told him to get in the shower and I was going to bring him in a towel. I returned to his bathroom a few minutes later to find the shorts he'd been wearing soaked with urine. Light bulb moment, it was never the dog. I was so furious with him, confronted him and he told me he was just too tired to use the toilet. I never told anyone about these findings at the time.
So the ds, lots of history with this but we'll cut to the chase. Right before Easter of last year I found pictures that Joshua had downloaded from the Internet. They were all of women partially clothed, but here's the kicker...all the girls had urinated or defecated in their panties. So we had to have a talk quick, I was not prepared , no clue what to say. We talked about masturbation being a natural process and a part of growing up, but that it needed to be done in privacy and kept to himself. I questioned him as to why he wanted to look at these particular types of picture, never got a true answer. I made it clear that those images were completely inappropriate and he was going to be grounded from the Internet until further notice. He even thanked me for talking to him and I felt good about the talk, as good as I could. But he continued to fondle himself at inappropriate times. His bedroom is right off the kitchen and I would go down at night to get a drink and he would be in full view with the door open going to town. The first couple of times I would sternly tell him to close his door. You think having your mom catch you would be so embarrassing that you would be extra careful to not let it happen again, but it didn't seem to bother him. One night during those couple of weeks he came to our bedroom and knocked on the door. I answered it to find him standing there with...and I'll just say it....a huge ejaculation stain on the front of his pants. It was fresh. This creepy, almost distorted look on his face asking me if he could have a snack.
It's safe to say I knew we had some sort of problem when he turned 11 in November of 2011. At night once he was in bed I'd feel a since of relief and I would start going through a check list in my head. Did I catch him doing you know what today, did he say anything disturbing, how awful had school been that day, did he look at or say anything to my daughter in his intimidating way. Feeling like a horrible mother I'd ask myself "did he give me the creeps today?" But I had no idea how close were we to the boiling point.
I was mortified to say the least. How could my sweet little boy be doing this again? Of course he said he was just .trying to hold onto it. His father assured me they had a long, tough talk about it, stressing how all creatures are God's creatures and it was a sin to kill. I had never been so angry with my son. and so worried and scared. He was grounded from everything for quite a while. I made him write letters to the bunny, the bunny's mom, to God. Tried scaring him with the legality of animal cruelty, thought about making him watch beyond scared straight on a&e, but he was too young for most of that content. He needed to feel bad for what he had done, I needed assurance that this would NEVER happen again. He was upset...that he was grounded. He wrote his letters that said no more than "sorry". I did reach out to some close friends and family for advice thinking I needed to have him seen by someone. Boys will will boys was the consensus. I guess I chose to believe that our feeble attempts had made a difference and it would NEVER happen again.
I finally broke down and put him on Concerta at the end of 3rd grade to try and help him in school. It seemed to make a difference in the beginning, he did read a little faster. I did not have him take it over the summer but he started again in 4th grade where his grades actually declined the whole year. Once 5th grade started they had to put him on a larger dose because of his size. He was only on it for 2 weeks. School life started off in the gutter that year and the medicine didn't seem to have any impact. Then one night I heard a horrible muffled sound coming from his room. I pushed open the door to find Joshua sitting crossed legged with his hands wrapped around our dog's throat and he was squeezing hard. His eye were fixated, glassy and black, and the wickedest smile was frozen on his face. He didn't even see me standing there. I finally gasped enough breath to say his name and it was as if he'd been released from a trance. His pupils shrunk back to reveal the baby blue of his eyes, he pushed the dog away and mumbled "sorry" under his breath and sunk back into his bed. I remember my face turning red hot, my head feeling like it was going to explode. What had I just walked in on? I know I must of yelled something at him, but in the quietest way I could. I did not want my husband to know what had happened, I didn't know what he would do. Scared he would lose his temper and I felt the need to protect my son. Not that my husband had ever or would ever be violent, but I did not want him to feel this sickening horror and shattering of trust that was pouring over me. I told Joshua to get in bed and I shut the light off and walked out. This would be the first time I did not "tuck" him in with a kiss goodnight. I took a deep breath then went upstairs to join my husband and pretend like all was well. The next morning at breakfast I sternly whispered to my son to not talk about this with dad. I told him this was never going to happen again, as if saying it in this tone would make it so. He knew he could fool me with the dog was trying to get away, and he didn't try. When a child is on a medicine for ADD one of the questions the Dr will ask is if the child has shown any anger or violence to animals. So that is what I decided to blame this on, the medicine. I took him off of it and convinced myself he would never do such a thing again. And I never told anyone about it...until April 29, 2012.
I finally broke down and put him on Concerta at the end of 3rd grade to try and help him in school. It seemed to make a difference in the beginning, he did read a little faster. I did not have him take it over the summer but he started again in 4th grade where his grades actually declined the whole year. Once 5th grade started they had to put him on a larger dose because of his size. He was only on it for 2 weeks. School life started off in the gutter that year and the medicine didn't seem to have any impact. Then one night I heard a horrible muffled sound coming from his room. I pushed open the door to find Joshua sitting crossed legged with his hands wrapped around our dog's throat and he was squeezing hard. His eye were fixated, glassy and black, and the wickedest smile was frozen on his face. He didn't even see me standing there. I finally gasped enough breath to say his name and it was as if he'd been released from a trance. His pupils shrunk back to reveal the baby blue of his eyes, he pushed the dog away and mumbled "sorry" under his breath and sunk back into his bed. I remember my face turning red hot, my head feeling like it was going to explode. What had I just walked in on? I know I must of yelled something at him, but in the quietest way I could. I did not want my husband to know what had happened, I didn't know what he would do. Scared he would lose his temper and I felt the need to protect my son. Not that my husband had ever or would ever be violent, but I did not want him to feel this sickening horror and shattering of trust that was pouring over me. I told Joshua to get in bed and I shut the light off and walked out. This would be the first time I did not "tuck" him in with a kiss goodnight. I took a deep breath then went upstairs to join my husband and pretend like all was well. The next morning at breakfast I sternly whispered to my son to not talk about this with dad. I told him this was never going to happen again, as if saying it in this tone would make it so. He knew he could fool me with the dog was trying to get away, and he didn't try. When a child is on a medicine for ADD one of the questions the Dr will ask is if the child has shown any anger or violence to animals. So that is what I decided to blame this on, the medicine. I took him off of it and convinced myself he would never do such a thing again. And I never told anyone about it...until April 29, 2012.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
It will be one year, on April 29th. Since the bottom dropped out and I was thrown into this repulsive vortex I could of never concocted in my worst nightmares. Things have never gotten any better, just worse in different ways. The pure panic I feel about the upcoming court date in May has kicked my insomnia into high gear. The anxiety has become so heavy again that I feel paralyzed most of the time, like I did at the beginning. Those closest to me I feel must be getting tired of listening to all this, never knowing what to say. So I can listen to my husbands sweet snores for hours while trying to numb my mind with silly apps (angry birds, and my new favorite candy crush), but I feel so strongly that I just need to get some of this out. Even if no one is reading this or if everyone is. Where to start?
I was married at 21, way to young and stupid and for all the wrong reasons. At 22 I had a son, I'll call him Joshua....that's what I wanted to name him. The pregnancy was fairly uncomplicated. He was my first full term after having 2 miscarriages. He was breech and they turned him over but still arrived 11 days late with the help of pitocin. Labor for 20 hours, once born the nurses had to stimulate him for a little while to get him breathing well, meconium in the fluid.I tried my best to nurse him, but he had a lot of difficulty latching on due to a high palate. They had to feed him through a nasogastric tube for a day and he was a little jaundice. We were sent home 4 days after he was born.
Our divorce was finalized on his 2nd birthday and life became full of two jobs and school. I was always concerned about Joshua. He didn't walk till almost 14 months, never did crawl. He was always so stiff, didn't like to bend at the waist. He didn't speak well until he was 3. Back then everyone was scared that vaccines were causing autism and I used to wonder. There were many times he would show some typical behaviors, starring off, mild hand flipping, pointing and grunting instead of speaking. I was young and overwhelmed not sure of what to do. Eventually he seemed to catch up with his milestones...all kids are different.
Flash forward......
Pre-school went well enough, no huge red flags. Right before Kindergarten he began having seizures-bad ones. Joshua was always a little slow, awkward, different. We blamed it on the seizures and the medications he had to be on to control them. His first grade teacher was the first one to raise concern about his school performance. I remember her saying if he didn't learn to keep up he was going to get eaten alive in school, and I thought she was a bitch. We moved before 2nd grade, new school. School became a big problem immediately and just got progressively worse over the years.
So why I am writing this, my kid has troubles in school? Well here we go....
Joshua killed his first animal when he was 5. It happened at his fathers house, they said they were all playing with some small toads and he squeezed one to death. He said it was trying to get away and he was just trying to hold on to it. His father made it seem like a horrible accident. Six months later he stomped on a toad killing it, again he claimed he was trying to stop it from running away. We addressed this much more seriously, making sure he did know it was wrong to kill animals and he was punished for the first time in his life. Two animals so close together, what a horrible coincidence, right? Then when he was 9 his father brought him home (on mother's day no less) with the news that he had strangled a baby rabbit.
Well that's about all I can do for tonight. It all gets so much worse.
I was married at 21, way to young and stupid and for all the wrong reasons. At 22 I had a son, I'll call him Joshua....that's what I wanted to name him. The pregnancy was fairly uncomplicated. He was my first full term after having 2 miscarriages. He was breech and they turned him over but still arrived 11 days late with the help of pitocin. Labor for 20 hours, once born the nurses had to stimulate him for a little while to get him breathing well, meconium in the fluid.I tried my best to nurse him, but he had a lot of difficulty latching on due to a high palate. They had to feed him through a nasogastric tube for a day and he was a little jaundice. We were sent home 4 days after he was born.
Our divorce was finalized on his 2nd birthday and life became full of two jobs and school. I was always concerned about Joshua. He didn't walk till almost 14 months, never did crawl. He was always so stiff, didn't like to bend at the waist. He didn't speak well until he was 3. Back then everyone was scared that vaccines were causing autism and I used to wonder. There were many times he would show some typical behaviors, starring off, mild hand flipping, pointing and grunting instead of speaking. I was young and overwhelmed not sure of what to do. Eventually he seemed to catch up with his milestones...all kids are different.
Flash forward......
Pre-school went well enough, no huge red flags. Right before Kindergarten he began having seizures-bad ones. Joshua was always a little slow, awkward, different. We blamed it on the seizures and the medications he had to be on to control them. His first grade teacher was the first one to raise concern about his school performance. I remember her saying if he didn't learn to keep up he was going to get eaten alive in school, and I thought she was a bitch. We moved before 2nd grade, new school. School became a big problem immediately and just got progressively worse over the years.
So why I am writing this, my kid has troubles in school? Well here we go....
Joshua killed his first animal when he was 5. It happened at his fathers house, they said they were all playing with some small toads and he squeezed one to death. He said it was trying to get away and he was just trying to hold on to it. His father made it seem like a horrible accident. Six months later he stomped on a toad killing it, again he claimed he was trying to stop it from running away. We addressed this much more seriously, making sure he did know it was wrong to kill animals and he was punished for the first time in his life. Two animals so close together, what a horrible coincidence, right? Then when he was 9 his father brought him home (on mother's day no less) with the news that he had strangled a baby rabbit.
Well that's about all I can do for tonight. It all gets so much worse.
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